Disclaimer: Please don’t read if you get grossed out quickly.
I am by and large healthy. Yes; I have had that occasional bout of cough and cold. But who doesn’t get that after gulping couple of family boxes of Spanish delight flavour Ice cream or a bottle of rum on a crate of ice with couple of big packs of Marlboro? I pride myself on eating a balanced diet; my breakfast, lunch, dinner and supper are of exactly same quantity. So it came as a surprise to me when my love announced that we are going to be eating healthy food now onwards. I picked up my jaw back from the floor and instead of my usual reply to all her statements “Sure” I squeaked “Why”?
Now my 13 years of loving companionship should have taught me not to utter such useless words which question the wisdom of my knowledgeable companion (Don’t question the tag knowledgeable, she can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. On the other hand I have never been able to even make out the numbers.) But alas! The damage was done. This proves that she is right when she says I will never change.
I think out of compassion or maybe it was foresight of the horrors she was planning to unleash; she decided to indulge me. “Now that we are getting old we must be careful about what we eat and how it affects our health”. By then sense had prevailed and ignoring the inner voice which was asking me if she is getting old or we both are, I said “Sure”.
I mean how hard can it be? Anyway I eat only healthy food. No Lays chips, no maggy noodle and definitely no coke. No Sir; no junk food, no pre-processed food items for me. I don’t even eat the chicken tikka until I am sure that the chicken was clucking till that morning and was only fed corn and not noodle or coke.
So we started!!
Breakfast - I got something which looked like we took chicken shit of a chicken which has loose motions; threw it in a plate, added some water and some scrapes from wall paint which keeps falling anyway and shook it around a lot....tried to flip it in air... collected the stuff that fell on floor and served it in the plate. I controlled my expressions with great effort and asked dispassionately if it is Museli. Not that I knew what is Museli; I had just heard the bouncer in our office (I think he is security officer or HR; or both) tell everyone that he only takes museli in breakfast. To my horror and my tormentor’s delight I was right. She even gave me one of those “Good Boy!!” looks which I give to my dog when he relieves himself on my neighbour’s porch in night and not mine. No problem; not for nothing have I been married for 8 years. I eat some; spill some and throw away the rest when she is not watching and head to office.
Lunch – Opened the box! Saw something which looked like a product of a wild orgy between a cucumber; a banana, two young onions and a Hyundai Santro. Ok; the Santro bit might be an exaggeration. Closed the box! No problem again, threw the contents, went to the Subway next to office, ordered two 97% fat free foot long. Added extra cheese, honey mustard and lots of mayonnaise and managed to satisfy the hunger demon. In case you are about to say too much!! Let me tell you that I have heard Subways are all about healthy food therefore the more I eat the healthier it is.
Dinner – I get a bowl full of dirty liquid. I don’t give up hope and upon closer inspection I find that it also had some semi liquid gooey stuff floating inside which looked like the innards of the grass that the neighbourhood cow must have spat back. Adding salt to injury is the love of my life who is relishing it and keeping a close eye on me. I somehow manage to drink\eat all of it while ensuring none of it touches my tongue and goes straight down the food pipe.
Then I convince her that I must go for a night walk to better my health even further. To my horror she wants to accompany me but then sense prevails as her favourite soap opera sounds its starting siren\song.
I get out in a relaxed manner; close the door and run for my life to the restaurant next door. Huffing and panting I ask the manager to give me healthy mutton biryani pronto! but he refuses to oblige me. So I take whatever he is about to serve to the two aunties who were staring at me with wide eye horror stricken looks and start devouring it standing in a corner and Voila!!
The bells on the door chime and my wife appears below them. She goes straight to the manager and all I hear is “Mutton Biryani”!!!
Time has passed since that day but now we both have understood and agreed that we need to try and eat healthy food as much as possible. So now we only eat normal 6 inch sub for breakfast; Alternate between Mutton and Chicken Keema for lunch and Kebabs for dinner. May we live long and keep eating healthy food! AMEN!!