Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Travel Survival Tips - Part 1

Travel Tips – Part 1

Every once in a while we decide to travel. Typically this urge hits us while trying to find any program on television which can interest both me and my wife. (I have noticed that fulfilling this urge is much more simpler than finding a common interest program on TV.)

I have tried to analyze and understand the urge to travel but it still beats me. I mean; what sane person would like to leave the comfort of couch, countless television channels, home cooked food and want to explore new vistas, eat new cuisine, introduce new worms to intestines and have all other travel adventures which make you want to kiss your ugly neighbor when you see him after reaching back home.

Anyways having been bitten by the travel bug more than once; I am listing down the basic precautions\check points for a hassle free and smooth travel experience for your benefit. I am confident these will help you have a hassle free and comfortable travel experience and might even save you from almost certain death.

Get out of the plane if the planned route takes it over water: Have you heard of anyone whose plane crashed in water and they managed to survive by floating with the help of that orange life jacket. In case you didn’t notice not even the air hostesses trust that the jackets would function. Forget the air hostesses; even the manufacturers have a doubt on it. I am sure you remember the air hostesses saying “The jacket can be inflated by pulling this string HOWVER if it doesn’t inflate, use these two ends and blow air in it”. Imagine you falling from sky and surviving just to drown because you didn’t know how to give blowjob!!! Umm….. Sorry, I meant how to blow air in the damn thing.

Get off immediately after boarding if there are more than two kids on the plane: I know it sounds strange but trust me; those two kids are more than sufficient to make you feel you never left home and what’s worse, 99% chances are that they are even booked in the same hotel as you. And if you are thinking what’s the harm in them staying at the same hotel? I guess you haven’t enjoyed a bit of babysitting because the parents knew you from the plane.

Get off immediately after boarding if anyone is carrying a cow in the connecting shuttle\airway: My experience has taught me that if someone is carrying a cow, chances are very high that his seat will be just in front of you and you will wait at least for half an hour before he manages to stuff the cow in the overhead baggage compartment. The objections\explanation of the air hostess that the cow is not “check in luggage” don’t stand a chance in front of these determined travelers. I have seen people even complaining back to the airhostess about the size of aircraft and airline just because the front right foot of the cow was not able to go inside the overhead compartment.

 Get back in the plane if you see camels\cows\ostriches\endangered animal species outside after landing: They are asked to stand there just to entice you into thinking there are some wild ones left which you can see after landing. Trust me; I have been into tiger reserves, bison reserves, crocodile reserves and every other possible nature reserve. The only time you see the endangered animal is when you either land at the town airport or are about to enter the town by road and see the big statue of that animal right in front proclaiming the town as their home.

Learn how to read local language before going: I guess its self explanatory. Given the helpful nature of fellow Indians you don’t want to get into an area thinking it’s a park or zoo when actually it’s a waste disposal plant.

Never book online: Why take trouble when everything will still be screwed up. Unless you are influenced by Aamir Khan and want to take responsibility to educate everyone that online bookings are as good as real ones and you are entitled to the sea view room that you booked and not the one overlooking the backyard staff Ganesha temple.

Don’t get out of your hotel: Everything that is worth seeing in a place is usually photographed and small size souvenirs of it are kept in every hotel lobby which is worth anything. If you go out, you just get to see the same thing just a little bigger in size except the additional dirt, pollution and facing the non AC temperatures. I know you are getting your doubts on this list but tell me seriously, didn’t you feel happy when you saw the air-conditioned restaurant near the beach where you won’t sweat like a pig in heat.

Never Trust maps: Never buy any maps; and in case you still bought it only use it when sneezing. You might question my suggestion but let me remind you we are a developing country where many a times A) Road is on the map because the local MLA\MP has already taken funds for it and announced it as completed after taking delivery of his Merc from the money B) The name of the road was changed last week back to Talpade Bhujangarao Kabadiwala Road to honor the grandfather of the kabadiwala sitting at the corner who was arrested by the English for storing liquor whereas your map says something pointless like Curzon Road or something.

To be continued at a later date when the urge strikes back…..