Learning how to have an affair

Recently someone suggested that I should have an affair. Now while the idea didn’t hold much appeal however I realized that I don’t know anything about having an affair. I had no clue on the vital questions like how to find someone who is ready for an affair, how to start an affair etc. Now this is a genuine insult to an intellectual like me who enjoys learning how to do different things even if I never do them and thus started my quest for the knowledge of “How to have an affair”.

Problem was that I didn’t have any clue on where to start. This wasn’t a topic on which I could remember a “how to” guide book. I even checked the “books for dummies” series but apparently no one is dumb enough not to know how to have an affair and the search in the world of books ended in vain.

I flatter myself to be a persistent dude and so I moved on to next source and looked around to see if any of my friends were having an affair, so that I can pick a trick or two. However it appeared that no one in my circle had this idea and I was the first one exploring the area. (Realization later downed upon me that they had mastered the art of how to keep an affair a secret but more on that later).

With the avenue of common friends blocked I turned to my best buddy who has always helped me out whenever I have been stuck for lack of information. Typed in the now friendly words GOOGLE with the confidence of finding the wisdom I seek. Alas! I had embarked upon the quest of knowledge so rare that even my trusted friend failed me.

All the results pages directed me to different sites whose reason for existence is the existence of desperate men. Before I could explore these sites I found that it is mandatory to register with each one of them and as a determined learner I started with the process. It included filling up lengthy personal information forms which asked everything starting from my gender to the information which confirmed it in case I was planning to lie about it. I might have given up if it wasn’t for the continuous motivation given by banners on the pages which promised access to the master database of information on all available and desperate women of world once I am registered.

I dutifully filled up the forms, registered myself and then tried the search option and yess!! There it was; A 453 page long list of available women. Feeling encouraged I tried getting to know the first one better and faced my first humiliation. The entire list disappeared and I faced another form which needed my credit card information just to make sure that I was 18 years or older. Somewhere it also said that they will charge a onetime fee of 250 US Dollars which will be returned if I don’t manage to sleep with someone in next 45 days.

Now maybe it was my doubt over their claim due to self assessment of my abilities or maybe it was my suspicion on the source of information they will use to confirm if I managed to sleep with someone before processing my refund claim; I decided to skip this approach all together and reverted to the old fashioned idea of seeking an expert in the field who can mentor me.

This search also would have ended in vain if it wasn’t for my lucky streak of being in the wrong place at the right time.

One day I decided to finish office earlier and decided to go for a beer after office with some colleagues. As expected one beer led to another and very soon we were all high and happy when we received a call from one of the colleagues who was stuck in office and wanted to know if we are wrapping up or he could join. To cut a long story short he felt that we are leaving and said he will cancel his plan.

I decided to have few more beers by myself and after finishing went to the parking lot to find my car and noticed my colleagues car parked in a shady area (Pun intended). I wouldn’t have noticed it if it wasn’t for the fact that the car was announcing in a shrill voice that it is reversing and all the blinkers were on lighting the entire parking lot. I now realize that it happened since my colleague had suddenly decided to get the hell out of my way before I see him and had forgotten all about his investments that he made on the fancy accessories like reverse horn for his car. Following my curiosity I called his name and he jumped out of the car which would have been the end of problems for him if it again wasn’t the issue with the car internal lights which switched on automatically when he opened the door revealing to me a young lassie from our office sitting inside. Hallelujah!! I found my mentor. I had heard some rumors but this was a confirmation and a godsend for my search for wisdom.

I think my peripheral vision caught a glimpse of his flaring nostril but I remembered that a truly devoted seeker of knowledge never gives up and thus ignoring his face I walked up to him and gave him a quick drunk buddy hug. I am not sure if it was my expression of delight or his guilt nevertheless I even managed to invite myself for a drink with him. I think he was under the impression that I hadn’t seen the dame so he was shocked when I turned towards the car and said to the girl “Hey, you might get bored alone sitting in the car, why don’t you join us for the drink”. Hearing this his face contorted in a weird shape which I recognize as the face of the constipated cartoon character from old advert which used to provide solution for the problem although here the root cause as I understand now was the mixture of emotions such as rage and helplessness.

So we sat in this comfortable air conditioned restaurant around midnight and I decided to go ahead further with the fact finding and shot straight away “So, how did you guys meet”. “In office, don’t you know” pat came the reply with an automatic twitch of the eyebrows. I held on to my nerves and fired next salvo “ how did you know she was the one?” and I guess I crossed some invisible line cause the face turned red and the reply came at a higher pitch and rate of speech “WHAT DO YOU MEAN?”. I should have realized that it’s time to back off however as they say in hindi “Vinash Kale, Viprit Budhhi” (At the time of doom even your head gives you encouragement to embrace it) so I pushed further. “you know, that she was the one available” to get my message across discreetly.
Suddenly I was hit in my knee lightly. Looked below the table to find out what it was and saw his hairy leg trying to caress my trousers. (By the way don’t ever look at the underside of a table in a hotel, you will never go back there to eat). Didn’t think too much of it (Subtlety, hints etc take long time before I get them) and repeated my question “You know, that she is the one that is available”.

“Can we have a smoke” was the quick response? As you know I am at complete loss when it comes to subtlety so I just pressed on with my most charming smile “C’mon, you can tell me”. “I want to have a smoke NOW, come out with me” was the response.

Left with no other options I came out, helped him light a cigarette the process of which gave me a chance to recognize his irritation and thus decided to switch my line of questioning to more subtle and sober question. “Dude, how do you get a girl like that?”. “By not being cheap like you”. Aah!! A direct hit below the belt. This was the third time I was insulted within the course of my quest and the first time it penetrated my thick skull.

I realized the reason why the doors of wisdom were closed on me. I wanted to know about the secrets of an art without going through the pain and investments which are prerequisites for knowledge so valuable. It was like asking for martest kid in 5th standard without changing nappies in middle of night for 2 years. Such behavior obviously was not going to get me my answers.

By Now I had wasted over 3 days of my time, was humiliated thrice and came close to getting kicked once. My head was reeling and I stumbled out of the place. Walking from there to home like a zombie I went, changed dress and lay down on the bed. My wife murmured in her sleep, “Love you Jaan”. Although my head was hurting I managed to whisper “love you too” and realized that this is the end of my quest.